sad nights.

it's just one of THOSE nights. (that was also a song reference lmao 

I don't know.... my binges have been horrible lately and I can't stop and I want to so bad. everything is so stressful and I just always feel like eating even tho I fucking hate it.,, if so many other people can lose weight then why am I doing such a bad job? why am I such a failure? I always feel so gross when I eat I hate that feeling so much. fuck. I was gonna fast today but I fucked up so bad. so bad. tomorrow for sure will be a fast, I don't deserve to eat anything. I'm going to get through lunch with a zero cal monster and when Im going to try to get My homework done durring the day so I can just sleep right when I get home and avoid food. if I don't finish all my work, I'll do it right when I get home and then sleep. fuck man, I really wish my mom wasn't home bc then id be able to smoke. she's home all day too so I can't go out like I usually do. ugh.  I have my friend's sweet sixteen on Saturday and I don't want to look fat and gross and I know that one day of fasting isn't gonna make up for a whole weeks worth of binging but it's the least I can do.  I'm just sick of always caving and always being pathetic. 

just had to get these shitty late night thoughts out of my head. it just makes me so fucking upset.

something that also has bothered me recently is I was talking to this guy, keeping it friendly bc I'm currently interested in someone else, and we were talking about things and he randomly was like "I love food" and I said I have like a love/hate relationship w it and was like why blah blah and I said bc I have an eating disorder [AN] (this was hard to type out, It's still weird to actually admit) and I was like fuck it I don't really know this guy (we were texting, I never actually met him) so I guess I can just say it?? guess what he fucking said. "oh there's nothing wrong with that" are. you. fucking. kidding. me? there are so many things wrong with it and I would never wish this disorder on my worst enemy ever. it tears you apart and ruins your life and messes with your head big time. this just annoyed me so much bc how could someone be so... is shallow the word? he came off as a fuckboy to me so I wouldn't be surprised if he did it just to make me like him, like to make me not feel bad about myself or whatever. idk it's just fucked up. 

I've also changed therapists, and I had my first new session today. she was very sweet and seems relatable and I hope to create a bond with her. my last therapist, I like him but idk I've been seeing him for the past 3ish years and he knows A LOT of shit. though towards the end like the last few weeks I noticed he lowkey reminded me of Andy from The Office. Like I picture him being like Andy in college or whatever. weird lmao. oh well. 

anyways I have school it's almost 2am again I've gotten no sleep this week, it's been the first week back from break and it's been torture. I just really want it to be Saturday bc even though I'm terrified about the food at the party I just need a getaway, this week has been disastrous.

hey again

I always say I'm going to start posting more on here but I always forget. oh well. 

anyway: some updates with me??? idk

my weight has basically been maintained due to binges and stuff (though they surprisingly weren't bad enough to make me actually gain) I still want to be lower. But since I'm on spring break it basically means I'm home alone all day, and I can sleep more and eat less. perhaps a week long fast or liquid fast is ahead of me? we'll see haha.

I'm conflicted bc on Friday my school had a pep rally & I was there with my friends and my crush, and I think I heard she likes someone else but it was a weird moment and the words were all choppy so I'm hoping I just heard it wrong. I can't tell if I just have a hard time deciphering between her doing things to be friendly or doing things because she likes me in the way I like her. 

I don't think I've ever really talked about this on here but I am a bi girl and yeahh. I'm out to a few close friends, and no one else really. not much more I'm really gonna say on this.

alright, I'll post again soon (hopefully I'm not lying lmao) 

ssssslleeeeeepppyyyyy

I've found my iPod again so that means I can post on here more! yay. 

today I finished the last of my midterms, so glad those motherfuckers are over. 

my weight has been fluctuating a lot lately and I've been slacking and I need to start restricting and fasting even more if I want to get to my ugw of 80. these last few weeks have been so rough and eating in general has been getting increasingly harder. I want to do another liquid fast bc I was able to get through it, just ending it was the hard part.

I'd also cut again on Sunday night, and it felt good after all that time. my mom made me so angry just like she always does. this time i cut on the inside and outside of my arm, and they go so much deeper on the outside and it feels better. also, since it'd been awhile, the other day (maybe Thursday) my mom set me off again and I felt the "I want to inflict pain upon myslef" urge, and I hadn't felt it in awhile. obviously I couldn't do it in that moment because it was still early and if I got out my blades my mom would probably catch me. by time it was later the feeling had surpassed so there was no point. 

it's almost 5am and I'm tired, so I'll post again soon. bye.