sad nights.

it's just one of THOSE nights. (that was also a song reference lmao 

I don't know.... my binges have been horrible lately and I can't stop and I want to so bad. everything is so stressful and I just always feel like eating even tho I fucking hate it.,, if so many other people can lose weight then why am I doing such a bad job? why am I such a failure? I always feel so gross when I eat I hate that feeling so much. fuck. I was gonna fast today but I fucked up so bad. so bad. tomorrow for sure will be a fast, I don't deserve to eat anything. I'm going to get through lunch with a zero cal monster and when Im going to try to get My homework done durring the day so I can just sleep right when I get home and avoid food. if I don't finish all my work, I'll do it right when I get home and then sleep. fuck man, I really wish my mom wasn't home bc then id be able to smoke. she's home all day too so I can't go out like I usually do. ugh.  I have my friend's sweet sixteen on Saturday and I don't want to look fat and gross and I know that one day of fasting isn't gonna make up for a whole weeks worth of binging but it's the least I can do.  I'm just sick of always caving and always being pathetic. 

just had to get these shitty late night thoughts out of my head. it just makes me so fucking upset.

something that also has bothered me recently is I was talking to this guy, keeping it friendly bc I'm currently interested in someone else, and we were talking about things and he randomly was like "I love food" and I said I have like a love/hate relationship w it and was like why blah blah and I said bc I have an eating disorder [AN] (this was hard to type out, It's still weird to actually admit) and I was like fuck it I don't really know this guy (we were texting, I never actually met him) so I guess I can just say it?? guess what he fucking said. "oh there's nothing wrong with that" are. you. fucking. kidding. me? there are so many things wrong with it and I would never wish this disorder on my worst enemy ever. it tears you apart and ruins your life and messes with your head big time. this just annoyed me so much bc how could someone be so... is shallow the word? he came off as a fuckboy to me so I wouldn't be surprised if he did it just to make me like him, like to make me not feel bad about myself or whatever. idk it's just fucked up. 

I've also changed therapists, and I had my first new session today. she was very sweet and seems relatable and I hope to create a bond with her. my last therapist, I like him but idk I've been seeing him for the past 3ish years and he knows A LOT of shit. though towards the end like the last few weeks I noticed he lowkey reminded me of Andy from The Office. Like I picture him being like Andy in college or whatever. weird lmao. oh well. 

anyways I have school it's almost 2am again I've gotten no sleep this week, it's been the first week back from break and it's been torture. I just really want it to be Saturday bc even though I'm terrified about the food at the party I just need a getaway, this week has been disastrous.

hey again

I always say I'm going to start posting more on here but I always forget. oh well. 

anyway: some updates with me??? idk

my weight has basically been maintained due to binges and stuff (though they surprisingly weren't bad enough to make me actually gain) I still want to be lower. But since I'm on spring break it basically means I'm home alone all day, and I can sleep more and eat less. perhaps a week long fast or liquid fast is ahead of me? we'll see haha.

I'm conflicted bc on Friday my school had a pep rally & I was there with my friends and my crush, and I think I heard she likes someone else but it was a weird moment and the words were all choppy so I'm hoping I just heard it wrong. I can't tell if I just have a hard time deciphering between her doing things to be friendly or doing things because she likes me in the way I like her. 

I don't think I've ever really talked about this on here but I am a bi girl and yeahh. I'm out to a few close friends, and no one else really. not much more I'm really gonna say on this.

alright, I'll post again soon (hopefully I'm not lying lmao) 

ssssslleeeeeepppyyyyy

I've found my iPod again so that means I can post on here more! yay. 

today I finished the last of my midterms, so glad those motherfuckers are over. 

my weight has been fluctuating a lot lately and I've been slacking and I need to start restricting and fasting even more if I want to get to my ugw of 80. these last few weeks have been so rough and eating in general has been getting increasingly harder. I want to do another liquid fast bc I was able to get through it, just ending it was the hard part.

I'd also cut again on Sunday night, and it felt good after all that time. my mom made me so angry just like she always does. this time i cut on the inside and outside of my arm, and they go so much deeper on the outside and it feels better. also, since it'd been awhile, the other day (maybe Thursday) my mom set me off again and I felt the "I want to inflict pain upon myslef" urge, and I hadn't felt it in awhile. obviously I couldn't do it in that moment because it was still early and if I got out my blades my mom would probably catch me. by time it was later the feeling had surpassed so there was no point. 

it's almost 5am and I'm tired, so I'll post again soon. bye. 

don't go

ok so it's been a week or two?? so I did great on my liquid fast, I dropped about two pounds but of course, I binged and pretty much gained it back. im going to start restricting a lot more.

I cut for the first time in a few weeks... and it felt good. don't even ask. 

But I forgot that I'm going to a concert on Saturday (Ghost Town!!!!!) and yeah I know it'll be kinda dark but it's a small venue and it'll get got easily so that rules out sweatshirt or long sleeves... I do have a pair of fishnets that I made into a top, so you'd like wear it under your t shirt and the sleeves woukd be fishnets. I think I'll do that. plus I've been waiting to wear them lol. 

anyway. I've been getting back to being obsessed with bring me the horizon. I've been listening to Don't Go and the rest of the hell/heaven album on repeat, it's so good. I just saw the preformance bmth did with lights for don't go back in 2010, it's so beautiful. (I'll link it below) you can tell that oli and lights are both putting so much emotion into it it's great. 

at 4:39 I litterally lost it 

https://youtu.be/LAXQnBWpjXs

Happy Halloween!

hello, happy Halloween. I am looking foward to it but at the same time I'm dreading it. all those sweets. so many calories. probably a lot of cavities. it's fucking scary honestly. 

but, today marks one year since my first time getting drunk? Is that weird that I know the day? idk I was with my friends last year and since it was Halloween it was a pretty memorable day. anyways. not the point. 

After this weekend of bingeing though, I'm going to start a liquid fast. probably November 2nd-8th if I can. I'll allow myself to stop on the 6th if I really just can't go anymore. for those of you who don't know what a liquid fast is, it's basically just where you drink things for a certain amount of time instead of eating or not eating at all. for me I'll let soups be okay, and I'm not gonna try to worry as much about the calories in drinks bc they're not as bad as food. but still I need to watch them.

I'll tell you how it goes, and if I drop any pounds. talk to you later! 

/////

yesterday's fast was great! today I've had like 3 cookies (ugh I know) and some pumpkin seeds, so a total of ~600 (gross) but I'm not planning on eating anymore, and I'm gonna drink a lot of water to burn more calories. thinking of fasting either tomorrow, but if that doesn't work out bc I have something after school that ill problem end up eating at, Thursday seems like a safe fasting day too. 

I didn't go to school today, I had a bad anxiety attack this morning. I couldn't even process the thought of getting dressed or going outside. anyway I have a writing class at 4:15 so I should probably start getting ready for that. more posts later maybe. 

xx

how long has it been?

too long. 

Hi, it's been like a year since I last posted here. oops. not like anyone missed me though. there have been some complications. I lost my iPod that this account is logged into, and I couldn't remember the password for this and nothing was working so I just left it for while. But, I've found my iPod now and I'm able to post here! yay! 

so you may be wondering how I'm doing (probably not) but yes, I'm still struggling with self harm and my weight. I'm not going to call it anorexia or an eating disorder because I've not been officially diagnosed yet. oh well. 

anyway. today's been the first successful fasting day! yes! I've had water, I'm currently drinking blueberry tea, no sugar. 

I guess personal updates not regarding my problems should be here too?? Since the last time I've posted (aug 2014) a lot of things have happened. I went to a lot of concerts, stared a new school and made new friends (score!) My music taste has also expanded widely, so I think I might do a post all about the artists I listen to (because they are many). Also, finally after 3ish years I am finally caught up with supernatural. season 11 ep 4 on weds. wonderful. 

Saturday. I want to talk about Saturday (10/24/15). I saw my best friend for the first time in months. We got really drunk and really high, it was amazing. I only remember parts of it but the parts that I do remeber are hilarious. 

I also got my nose pierced in the begining of July, so that's cool.

and I'm. I really don't know what else to say. yeah. I think I'll go. I hope your day was good.