sad nights.

it's just one of THOSE nights. (that was also a song reference lmao 

I don't know.... my binges have been horrible lately and I can't stop and I want to so bad. everything is so stressful and I just always feel like eating even tho I fucking hate it.,, if so many other people can lose weight then why am I doing such a bad job? why am I such a failure? I always feel so gross when I eat I hate that feeling so much. fuck. I was gonna fast today but I fucked up so bad. so bad. tomorrow for sure will be a fast, I don't deserve to eat anything. I'm going to get through lunch with a zero cal monster and when Im going to try to get My homework done durring the day so I can just sleep right when I get home and avoid food. if I don't finish all my work, I'll do it right when I get home and then sleep. fuck man, I really wish my mom wasn't home bc then id be able to smoke. she's home all day too so I can't go out like I usually do. ugh.  I have my friend's sweet sixteen on Saturday and I don't want to look fat and gross and I know that one day of fasting isn't gonna make up for a whole weeks worth of binging but it's the least I can do.  I'm just sick of always caving and always being pathetic. 

just had to get these shitty late night thoughts out of my head. it just makes me so fucking upset.

something that also has bothered me recently is I was talking to this guy, keeping it friendly bc I'm currently interested in someone else, and we were talking about things and he randomly was like "I love food" and I said I have like a love/hate relationship w it and was like why blah blah and I said bc I have an eating disorder [AN] (this was hard to type out, It's still weird to actually admit) and I was like fuck it I don't really know this guy (we were texting, I never actually met him) so I guess I can just say it?? guess what he fucking said. "oh there's nothing wrong with that" are. you. fucking. kidding. me? there are so many things wrong with it and I would never wish this disorder on my worst enemy ever. it tears you apart and ruins your life and messes with your head big time. this just annoyed me so much bc how could someone be so... is shallow the word? he came off as a fuckboy to me so I wouldn't be surprised if he did it just to make me like him, like to make me not feel bad about myself or whatever. idk it's just fucked up. 

I've also changed therapists, and I had my first new session today. she was very sweet and seems relatable and I hope to create a bond with her. my last therapist, I like him but idk I've been seeing him for the past 3ish years and he knows A LOT of shit. though towards the end like the last few weeks I noticed he lowkey reminded me of Andy from The Office. Like I picture him being like Andy in college or whatever. weird lmao. oh well. 

anyways I have school it's almost 2am again I've gotten no sleep this week, it's been the first week back from break and it's been torture. I just really want it to be Saturday bc even though I'm terrified about the food at the party I just need a getaway, this week has been disastrous.

hey again

I always say I'm going to start posting more on here but I always forget. oh well. 

anyway: some updates with me??? idk

my weight has basically been maintained due to binges and stuff (though they surprisingly weren't bad enough to make me actually gain) I still want to be lower. But since I'm on spring break it basically means I'm home alone all day, and I can sleep more and eat less. perhaps a week long fast or liquid fast is ahead of me? we'll see haha.

I'm conflicted bc on Friday my school had a pep rally & I was there with my friends and my crush, and I think I heard she likes someone else but it was a weird moment and the words were all choppy so I'm hoping I just heard it wrong. I can't tell if I just have a hard time deciphering between her doing things to be friendly or doing things because she likes me in the way I like her. 

I don't think I've ever really talked about this on here but I am a bi girl and yeahh. I'm out to a few close friends, and no one else really. not much more I'm really gonna say on this.

alright, I'll post again soon (hopefully I'm not lying lmao) 

ssssslleeeeeepppyyyyy

I've found my iPod again so that means I can post on here more! yay. 

today I finished the last of my midterms, so glad those motherfuckers are over. 

my weight has been fluctuating a lot lately and I've been slacking and I need to start restricting and fasting even more if I want to get to my ugw of 80. these last few weeks have been so rough and eating in general has been getting increasingly harder. I want to do another liquid fast bc I was able to get through it, just ending it was the hard part.

I'd also cut again on Sunday night, and it felt good after all that time. my mom made me so angry just like she always does. this time i cut on the inside and outside of my arm, and they go so much deeper on the outside and it feels better. also, since it'd been awhile, the other day (maybe Thursday) my mom set me off again and I felt the "I want to inflict pain upon myslef" urge, and I hadn't felt it in awhile. obviously I couldn't do it in that moment because it was still early and if I got out my blades my mom would probably catch me. by time it was later the feeling had surpassed so there was no point. 

it's almost 5am and I'm tired, so I'll post again soon. bye. 

don't go

ok so it's been a week or two?? so I did great on my liquid fast, I dropped about two pounds but of course, I binged and pretty much gained it back. im going to start restricting a lot more.

I cut for the first time in a few weeks... and it felt good. don't even ask. 

But I forgot that I'm going to a concert on Saturday (Ghost Town!!!!!) and yeah I know it'll be kinda dark but it's a small venue and it'll get got easily so that rules out sweatshirt or long sleeves... I do have a pair of fishnets that I made into a top, so you'd like wear it under your t shirt and the sleeves woukd be fishnets. I think I'll do that. plus I've been waiting to wear them lol. 

anyway. I've been getting back to being obsessed with bring me the horizon. I've been listening to Don't Go and the rest of the hell/heaven album on repeat, it's so good. I just saw the preformance bmth did with lights for don't go back in 2010, it's so beautiful. (I'll link it below) you can tell that oli and lights are both putting so much emotion into it it's great. 

at 4:39 I litterally lost it 

https://youtu.be/LAXQnBWpjXs

Happy Halloween!

hello, happy Halloween. I am looking foward to it but at the same time I'm dreading it. all those sweets. so many calories. probably a lot of cavities. it's fucking scary honestly. 

but, today marks one year since my first time getting drunk? Is that weird that I know the day? idk I was with my friends last year and since it was Halloween it was a pretty memorable day. anyways. not the point. 

After this weekend of bingeing though, I'm going to start a liquid fast. probably November 2nd-8th if I can. I'll allow myself to stop on the 6th if I really just can't go anymore. for those of you who don't know what a liquid fast is, it's basically just where you drink things for a certain amount of time instead of eating or not eating at all. for me I'll let soups be okay, and I'm not gonna try to worry as much about the calories in drinks bc they're not as bad as food. but still I need to watch them.

I'll tell you how it goes, and if I drop any pounds. talk to you later! 

/////

yesterday's fast was great! today I've had like 3 cookies (ugh I know) and some pumpkin seeds, so a total of ~600 (gross) but I'm not planning on eating anymore, and I'm gonna drink a lot of water to burn more calories. thinking of fasting either tomorrow, but if that doesn't work out bc I have something after school that ill problem end up eating at, Thursday seems like a safe fasting day too. 

I didn't go to school today, I had a bad anxiety attack this morning. I couldn't even process the thought of getting dressed or going outside. anyway I have a writing class at 4:15 so I should probably start getting ready for that. more posts later maybe. 

xx

how long has it been?

too long. 

Hi, it's been like a year since I last posted here. oops. not like anyone missed me though. there have been some complications. I lost my iPod that this account is logged into, and I couldn't remember the password for this and nothing was working so I just left it for while. But, I've found my iPod now and I'm able to post here! yay! 

so you may be wondering how I'm doing (probably not) but yes, I'm still struggling with self harm and my weight. I'm not going to call it anorexia or an eating disorder because I've not been officially diagnosed yet. oh well. 

anyway. today's been the first successful fasting day! yes! I've had water, I'm currently drinking blueberry tea, no sugar. 

I guess personal updates not regarding my problems should be here too?? Since the last time I've posted (aug 2014) a lot of things have happened. I went to a lot of concerts, stared a new school and made new friends (score!) My music taste has also expanded widely, so I think I might do a post all about the artists I listen to (because they are many). Also, finally after 3ish years I am finally caught up with supernatural. season 11 ep 4 on weds. wonderful. 

Saturday. I want to talk about Saturday (10/24/15). I saw my best friend for the first time in months. We got really drunk and really high, it was amazing. I only remember parts of it but the parts that I do remeber are hilarious. 

I also got my nose pierced in the begining of July, so that's cool.

and I'm. I really don't know what else to say. yeah. I think I'll go. I hope your day was good. 

wow

Hello! It's been a while! I've stopped the lunabelle, because I lost count about 2 weeks in. 

I'm watching my calories still thought, but I mainly want to work on my thighs. I found this great workout and I'm hoping it will go well, considering school starts in 3 weeks. They aren't extremely huge so it should be kind of easy.

Today I plan on not eating much, I've had some watermelon and probably some more of that later. 

Talk to you later... I'll see how it goes.

Starting Lunabelle!

Hey guys!! So yesterday I officially started the Lunabele diet! Yay! 

So today is 500 cals. Should be easy. I'm actually quite excited. 

I think I should start posting more. 

I'm lame

I broke another clean streak. Again. Fml.

Although today has been ok. Didn't go to school, even thought tomorrow is the last  day. I signed up for a pro ana site too. And apparently I'm underweight. But I don't see it. All I see is grossness. 

Also I need an ana buddy (the main reason for the site) but if anyone one here needs one too comment! I need someone to keep me motivated.

I'm not okay (i promise)

Hello lovelies! 

So it's been awhile ahah!

I'm happy to report today's been a successful fasting day! Yay! Over the corse of the long weekend (Friday-Monday) I lost 2 pounds and I'm really proud of myself. 8 more lbs to go.

Basically on Sunday I ran up and down stairs for 20 mins and it easily shed 1 lbs. but, let me tell you, it wasn't easy. After two fucking minutes I was tired. But I took little breaks in between. 

On the bad side (here's the reason why the title is I'm not ok) I broke my 68 days clean. I just felt really down Saturday night, and I did 4 long cuts on my right thigh. I also cut a cross into my leg, for specific reasons. If you look at it from my view, it's a regular cross. But if I Stand up and someone looks at it that way, it's upside down which would be considered statanic. Basically what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a good and a bad side, depending on how you look at it :)

Yay!

I am happy to report, that today (well 4/29/14) has been the first successful fasting day in a while! I am so proud of myself. Lots of water & tea did it for me today. 

Tomorrow I will eat probably half of my sandwich for lunch (unless I get school lunch, then half of whatever that is) and if my mom forces dinner upon me tomorrow, I'll eat a small portion of that. 

Good news aside, bad news, I think my friends are Starting to notice I'm not eating as much. When we were walking home today, we stopped it Starbucks. I of course didn't have any money, like usual, (it's a good way to not be tempted buy food while your out) but so we go in, and we're online, and my friend (let's call her friend A, or FA.)  knows I don't have money and says "do you want anything?" I of course say no, and then she insists, "I know you want a cake pop!" I was like no I'm fine and she said, "come on what flavor do you like? Birthday cake?" I denied I wanted anything, and thankfully she didn't buy me anything against my will. But then while we were waiting for her and another one of my friends (friend B or FB lets call her) so friend b bought these chocolate covered gram crackers, and was like, "you want one?" And I told her I didn't like those ones, but I mean honestly who doesn't like chocolate gram crackers! It's like a s'mores minus the marshmallows! Then FB proceeded to poke my stomach and said, "you need to eat more, you're all bones." 

I wanted to die right there. 

Hi again

Two posts in one day, damn that's rare. 

But anyway, I wanted to show you the dress I was talking about in the last post! 

Here it is:

I just really love it. I also reall want a pair of black suede creepers, theyd would look cute with a pair of tights & the dress. 

I also forgot to say I got my ear pierce again! Well, I mean I got a second hole. I like it a lot & I'm happy with it. It really didn't hurt much, it was like a tiny pinch and that was it. It didn't hurt much after the fact either. I might do a post on piercings idk it seems cool. 

I really want my right eyebrow pierced, ahh I just love the way it looks. 

All I need to do is to find my safety pin earrings and I'll be good. They basically disappeared  at the end of January and now I'm here. I really miss wearing them I loved the way they looked. Ugh. I loose things way too much. 

*britney spears voice* It's been awhile...

[for anyone who got that britney reference in the title, you're awesome.] 

Hello again. 

Good news, I am over 40 days clean! It's so hard I want to cut so bad but I've been resisting. I think I'm like 43 days. 

But bad news... I still can't get the bingeing under control. It's terrible. I'm 10lbs over the weight I want to be... 

But, I read that doing an hour & 15 mins of just dance burns 500 calories!! I was too tired last night so I only did 30 mins. That was about 200 or a little over. But I think over the weekends I'm going to do that becaue i have more time to play the wii so yeah. 

I really want to loose those 10lbs becaue I have a dance-like thing coming up in June and I want to be able to fit into my dress. Me & my mom just ordered it, it's black with a white collar, sort of like what Wednesday Addams would normally wear. We bought it in 2 sizes, and the thought of fitting into the larger size scares the shit out of me. 

I have basically made a meal plan this week that I am determined to follow, if I want to look nice for this dance and not to mention the summer. 

I am gonna try to eat at MOST 400 cals (I'm striving for lower, but shit gets tough) on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. For Tuesday and Thursday, I am going to fast. On the weekends I'm going to try to do 100-250, and stay away from junk and shit food for that whole time. I'll probably weigh in like every Friday or so... But I'm worried about next weekend because I might go to her house and we'll probably end up eating a bunch of crap there.. Ugh. 

Maybe in may I should just start the Lunabelle, I know I said summer, but summer can wait. I have to start this now if I want somewhat of a result by June. 

I also bought Of Mice & Men's Restoring Force album on Saturday, and it's really good! I love OM&M, and this was the first time hearing Restoring Force in full. I love Austin Carlile, he's so adorable. I was watching one of the interviews he did (I can't remeber what it was for) but they were asking him & Alan this or that questions and they asked "Nick or disney?" And austin said Disney and Alan said nick and Austin was like "WHAAAAT WHY?!" And it was so cute. I'll link the interview below: 

http://youtu.be/ub6Pm9NW8Oo

last Friday-wendsday (today)

alright so hey it's been a while. But anywaaaay here are some updates!!

Soo *katy perry voice* last Friday night (lol) I got sick like with the stomach virus or flu or whatever was going around with my school. It. Was. Horrible. 

I got it late Friday, I threw up (these are all unintentional) at like 1 in the morning and I was just like shansinsnsnssn. I was a little bit happy though, becaue I are a few crappy things so I got rid of that. But then when I woke up, I threw up again and in that moment I vowed to myself I would never try to purge becaue my eyes went black and I felt so weak I almost fell and it just felt so gross i wouldn't want to do that every again. But I kept a low diet for the most part that weekend, mainly because I was freaked to eat for one. I mainly drank water, vitamin water (130 cals I think?) and Gatorade (like 80 I think) and then like Saturday I ate a hamburger bun becaue I was really hungry and I read that bread soaks up the acid. 

But then Sunday I had some bacon (approx 70ish) and some mac & cheese (idk how much that was I'm assuming 230?) and I felt fine.

Monday was... Weird. One of my friends was like "oh my god!! Your legs are like, non-exsistant!" and then my other friend was like, "yeah! She was trying to loose calories!!" (I was talking to her about how if you chew ice cubes it burns calories.) and I just felt so ughsisbdidj. I was like can you please stop talking about it my legs are pretty exsistant if you really look. I barely remember the rest.  idk Except for the fact that my mom bought golden Oreos jsjskdbdjcbb

Tuesday, we had testing so I allowed myself to eat a luna bar for breakfast, I figured it would help. Then for lunch I had a bagel & I planned on nothing else for that day but then I fucked up and bought a cake pop from Starbucks and had a bunch of other candy crap and then when I got home I binged on those Oreos and there were hardly any left and I just felt so gross. ugh. 

Today, Wendsday, no breakfast, i had like half a cup of miso soup for lunch so that's about 40 cals I think and then since my friends wanted to go to Starbucks I didn't want to be weird around them so I got a frappachino and it  was 300 I was just like wow that's a lot..?!  But yeah I guess 340 isn't bad for today . I also bought a reeces but I'm not gonna eat it (yet lol) I bought it to test my self control. 

I've also been a few weeks clean so that's a plus. 

im horrible

the fast was going pretty well today... Until I got home. 

at school I only had a piece of gum (5cals) and like a half of a strawberry from a friend. I didn't really count them because aside from the gum, the strawberry was pretty healthy. Plus I worked off any of those calories walking home. 

Home. I get home and my stomach kills with hunger. I decide to eat a luna bar, because I didn't want to deal with the feeling later and it would be enough to fill me up for a while without feeling too full. But then, once I start, I can't stop. I go for the ritz crackers, then it's taffy, then a pack of Oreos with peanut butter. Then, my mom made curly fries. With cheese. Cheese. Cheese fries are one of my favorite things and If I said no she'd know something was up. 

I aways fuck up! 

But as I took a shower, I did some excerciese that involved moving my hips and waste. I did it until my waste burned. I actually feel a bit better, not as full but I still feel like shit. I might make some peppermint tea, it's good for digestion and getting rid of the bloating feeling. 

I want to prove to myself that I can do this. Tomorrow I will not eat lunch (I don't eat breakfast I haven't since I was 10) and not dinner. Since I am going to see Divergent tomorrow with a few friends I might allow myself some popcorn or low cal candy. Idk if it's even worth it because it's so damn expensive. It's like $5 for a small popcorn. Jesus. 

I can never come up with titles for these oops

Today has gone okay. 

All I had was a small bag of apples that was 30 calories, then 1 poptart that was 105, so totaling to 135. I am feeling really good about this. Even though I'm quite hungry I'm just going to drink a lot of water. It actually helps a lot. 

Tomorrow I think I might actually eat lunch & a snack or dinner, then on Thursday I think I might just fast. Sounds like a plan. I'm actually really excited to weigh in on Friday or Saturday! 

*sigh*

I don't know why this always happens. I need to learn how to control myself. You know that feeling when you just eat too much or too much of one thing and you feel like you're about to puke but you just... Can't? Like after a binge you want to purge but you can't bring your self to do it. I have those feelings quite often, and I'm feeling it right now. I just feel so stupid and fat. No matter what anyone says ill still look at myself this way no matter how skinny I get.

I really want to try to lose 10 lbs so in order to do so, I'm gonna fast either 2 or 3 days this week and only eat fruits and healthy things the rest of the days. If that works out well, I'll continue it until I'm at a satisfying weight for myself. 

I also broke the approximate 2 weeks clean, I didn't do so bad though, by my ankles and shins. But it was with the shitty blades (as mentioned in the post titled "Oops") so there was barley any blood (I wish there was) but they'll probably scar at the least. 

________________

I'm really obsessed with Marina & The Diamonds right now. She's just really great. Her songs reflect real problems and really speak to me and probably many others.

Really excited for July, because 

1.) summer

2.) no school (although we get out June 26)

3.) I'm going to see Fall Out Boy & Paramore at the Monumentour!! I'm so super excited to bands I love I'm just like sishhsjshaiabs I can't wait! Ill blog about it when the time comes. 

Is anyone reading this? If you are please comment I feel like I am taking to myself. 

Neon Lights Tour!!

Demi. Was. Flawless. 

Tonight was amazing. I went to the neon lights tour with my cousin tonight, and it was the best time I've had in a while. I was glad to get a good whole video of Demi's speech about self harm, deppression, EDs (etc) and the performance of Warrior. I was actually crying she just makes everything ok. 

She's so strong and powerful I love it! 

Opening acts were Little Mix & Fifth Harmony. They were great, my cousin is obsessed with LM and I litterally LOVED seeing her so happy when they came out. It touched my heart, I loved seeing a genuine smile on her face. 

Then Demi came on & opened with heart Attack, her range is amazing oh my! Nick Jonas was also there too! Nick Jonas! It was like a Disney/camp rock reunion!! I wish I could single like her. I just respect her so much she's so strong and inspiration I don't understand how anyone could possibly hater her.

Here were our seats, we were really far back but it was so worth it. 

Oops

Ok so I lied.

I said I was gonna wait till my mom got home with the luna bars. Nope. I had some poptarts because I was just getting to that point where the hunger was actually annoying. So if one poptart is like 210 calories, and I had two that means I've had 420 calories in total. That's not that bad. So basically no dinner. Tomorrow i might a eat lunch or something low in calories at home. 

Its a weird feeling though. Like you're still hungry but you're also not at the same time. 

While looking for the Lunabelle requirements, I've stumbled upon this one called "Giovanni's 30" I like it a lot because there's less fasting days and there are days were you only eat apples and I can easily get apples. But the olive oil thing for day 16 sounds a little gross... 

Then here's the Lunabelle:(if you can't see day 14 is fast & day 15 is 500 I think) but I've always liked this diet I dunno. Summers coming soon enough and I'll try the luna for one month & 30 for another. Ill blog my results.