Ugh.

Therapy was... Interesting yesterday. On the bright side I haven't cut since Saturday, so 4 days clean!! But Ive gained so much weight and I feel horrible. I've been binging so much I just feel like shit. I'm too much of a coward to even try to purge no matter how much I want to do it. So next week I am for sure starting the Lunabelle. My stupid wing it thing can wait. I just want to look nice. Especially my thighs. I mean my waist is relatively ok but my thighs are disgusting.  I just feel so gross right now. 

You know sometimes I'm just like "you know what? Who gives a fuck about weight?! One more can't hurt!" But then there's ana right next to me saying, "you care you stupid bitch!"

It's just strange. 

 -mez

Diet Maybe?

I'm not really fat.. I just want to try something to try and maintain my weight.

 I've been thinking about starting the Lunabelle diet, but you have to count calories and I suck really bad at that... So I think I might just wing it. Just try to eat healthy during the week with one or two fasting days. I think I'll start that in a week or two? March 3rd sounds good.

 I think I'll call it the Wing It Diet, for lazy people like me. Basically I'm gonna cut out junk food and shit for a few weeks, fast twice a week and weigh it every Friday/saturday. I'll tell you how it goes. 

I feel like on the weekends I always end up pigging out and not eating properly. For example, this weekend I basically ate chips, cookies, brownies, ice cream, all that delicious shit. It's so good but so bad at the same time. 

I have really horrible self control, so this might be a bit hard. But the longest I've fasted for was 3 days (although there were some cracks where I broke down and ended up eating some little snacks) and the longest I've been clean for is about 3 or 4 months. I think when I go on this diet thing or whatever I'm gonna try to stay clean, and hopefully continue out for a while. 

I usually walk home from school, but it's not even a mile, but even if I do screw up and eat some crap thing I can work off the extra calories by walking home or walking to school. 

Anyway I bought All Time Low's Dirty Work CD yesterday and I'm loving it. I'm really obsessed with the album cover it's just so cool & cute. I found it at Walmart for $10. I love buying CDs there because I can always find the ones I want (most of the time) for a cheap price. For example, I found BOMT by britney for $5 & AFYCSO and V&V by panic! for $7. If I go next week I'm thinking about buying Paramore's self-titled album. Riot! is the only paramore album I have and I really want to own more of their albums. I also saw Brand New Eyes for like $7.  

A song that I've also been really obsessed with is Professional Griefers by deadmau5. You're probably thinking, "Hey, she didn't mention deadmau5 or electric/dance music in her music interests!" Well that's because I don't really listen to electric/dance/dubstep/club-ish music (with the exception of some Ghost Town & some Britney songs) but the main reason I really like this song is because of Gerard Way does vocals for it. I feel like anything Gerard does is great. He's Gerad. Haha get it ge-rad? wow I suck at jokes. Oh well. But anyway this track is really cool I suggest listening to it if you like deadmau5 or MCR idk I'm just obsessed. The beats get stuck in your head and Gerard's catchy voice gets stuck in there too making you want to get up and dance. 

"The Only Thing Worse Than Not Knowing, Is You Thinking That I Don't Know." -Fall Out Boy

{lyrics to 7 Minuets In Heaven by FOB is the title reference in case you didn't know} 

So I'm really confused.

 Because I'm a weird little bitch, I found my friends Instagram account where it's like one of those depression kind of accounts. She had put a link to an ask.fm which I assumed was hers & I eventually realized it was because there were our friends (people i knew) asking things like "why do you cut?" "Don't do it tonight" "how many days have you been clean for?" They were all from about a month ago, but it still makes me wonder if that's when she told them two, or if it has been going on for longer. 

It also really makes me wonder and a little bit hurt that she told them and not me. I mean one of the girls is actually one of my best friends. And I'm pretty close with the girl that I found out about, so I'm surprised a little. 

I think though when I was at her house on Wednesday night, I could sense she wanted to tell me. We even had this long deep conversation about depression and how fucked society is. 

Another think I questioned in my head is I saw on the IG account is like she had pictures that said "I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay" & I was thinking inside, "hey! Those are MCR lyrics!" And same thing with a post with the lyrics to Antivist. It was like "Middle fingers up, if you don't give a fuck." And then there's me again like "hey! Those are BMTH lyrics!" Basically what I was wondering was is that did she know they were from songs (that I love lol) or did she just have them because they had that rebellious/depressing message to it..? 

Anyway I'm thinking about asking her on Monday about it, and tell her she doesn't have to feel bad because I do it too-- If she haven't figured that out already. My wrists were exposed by acceident but they were baby cuts I guess, I mean I've done worse to myself. And, I had my semi-colon on my left wrist from the #semicolonproject218 , and plus a few weeks back I think she saw the cuts/scars on my thighs because I was stupid enough to try and wear shorts that were long enought but really weren't. She saw it by accident because I was like moving or something & the pant leg got lifted up and she said "I'm gonna pretend like I didn't see that." I gave her a confused look & she said in a rushed whisper, "it's ok me too," and I wasn't sure if she actually meant it or was just trying to make me feel better. 

I guess she actually meant it. 

i have the worst memory.

I know it's only been an hour since I last posted but I'm bored again. 

I forgot to mention that I saw Endless Love earlier today. It was really good, I thought. it was cute. It made me realize how much I wanted something like jade & david had. But then again the story was quite farfetched, something like that is out of the question for me, and a lot of people. 

I don't know. The idea of having a boyfriend is kind of scary and interesting at the same time. It's like, something you really want but don't want at the same time. 

Not much has happened in the last few days. I'm really glad I started this blog though, it's a nice place to vent. 

I'm at my friends house now, and it's a pretty good time. I guess. Except yesterday I broke my small clean streak and it's kind of hard to hide my wrist from her, although I've done worse, it's not as bad as some things I've done. 

But the weird part is, is that I think she's struggling with depression or something around that. She's been dropping subtle hints and I don't know if we should like both confess to eachother or what. 

I just don't know what to do. Ugh. 

Hello There!

Hi, I'm pretty sure no ones reading this, but hi! I'm kind of new to this kind of blog thing, i mean i have tumblr, but this is quite different, id say. If you'd already guessed, my blog title/url/username are references to Paramore's Misery Business, and im actually listening to it now, haha.

Let me introduce myself. If it's okay with you, id rather not say my real name for privacy reasons. This isnt exactly the kind of blog that i would like to flaunt around and shove in people faces. So now youre probably wondering, "Well, then what the hell kind of blog is this?"

For the last two years, ive had this strange depression, and as things began to get worse and worse, i began to cut more and more. Thats right. This is a cutter's blog. I wanted to try something different. I already tired writing a journal to let out my feelings, but thats how my mom found out the first time (and yes, theres other times.) In all the time i wrote in that journal, i wasnt hurting myself. But then, she had to go and look through it one day while i wasnt home. Fantastic. That made me fall apart even more. I begged her not to tell my dad, and she surprisingly agreed. There are two other times that i can get to later.

Now your probably thinking, why hasnt her mother put her in the loony bin yet? Well, technically, she has. I have therapy every tuesday (yep today :/ ). My mistake by saying i wanted help, because i hate it. But i mean, talking to someone whos trained to listen to you is okay, but i want to try this, a blog. Not pen and paper, not a person, not someone who knows me. Im tired of keeping it bottled up, and i guess this my version therapy for myself.

Alright enough with the depressing things. Want to know a little bit about me? Here you go:

Name: Just call me Mez. My cousin calls me that, i have no idea why and she wont tell me.
Favorite Singers/Bands: Ready for a novel? Alright so bands i love include - Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Pierce The Veil, My Chemical Romance, Bring Me The Horizon, Get Scared, Paramore, Flyleaf, All Time Low, Falling In Reverse, Digital Daggers, Ghost Town, Sleeping With Sirens, and im pretty sure thats it for bands, Singers would have to be - Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, Marina & The Diamonds, Lana Del Rey, Jason Kertson & The Immortals, Ke$ha, Gwen Stefani, Ashley Tisdale, Avril Lavigne, and Melanie Martinez.
Books: The Hunger Games Triology, Maximum Ride Novels, The House of Night novels, The Twilight Saga, The Fault in Our Stars, Gray, The Pretty Little Liars Novels... idk theres probably more but i cant think of them.
Movies:  dont even wanna do this one
Tv Shows: Supernatural, Pretty Little Liars, Ravenswood, Friends, Full House, Saved By The Bell, Wizards of Waverly Place
Food: Mac & Cheese, pizza rolls, idefk theres so much more tacos

Alright ill probably continue this later, but heres my intro.

~mez