wow

Hello! It's been a while! I've stopped the lunabelle, because I lost count about 2 weeks in. 

I'm watching my calories still thought, but I mainly want to work on my thighs. I found this great workout and I'm hoping it will go well, considering school starts in 3 weeks. They aren't extremely huge so it should be kind of easy.

Today I plan on not eating much, I've had some watermelon and probably some more of that later. 

Talk to you later... I'll see how it goes.

Starting Lunabelle!

Hey guys!! So yesterday I officially started the Lunabele diet! Yay! 

So today is 500 cals. Should be easy. I'm actually quite excited. 

I think I should start posting more. 

I'm lame

I broke another clean streak. Again. Fml.

Although today has been ok. Didn't go to school, even thought tomorrow is the last  day. I signed up for a pro ana site too. And apparently I'm underweight. But I don't see it. All I see is grossness. 

Also I need an ana buddy (the main reason for the site) but if anyone one here needs one too comment! I need someone to keep me motivated.

I'm not okay (i promise)

Hello lovelies! 

So it's been awhile ahah!

I'm happy to report today's been a successful fasting day! Yay! Over the corse of the long weekend (Friday-Monday) I lost 2 pounds and I'm really proud of myself. 8 more lbs to go.

Basically on Sunday I ran up and down stairs for 20 mins and it easily shed 1 lbs. but, let me tell you, it wasn't easy. After two fucking minutes I was tired. But I took little breaks in between. 

On the bad side (here's the reason why the title is I'm not ok) I broke my 68 days clean. I just felt really down Saturday night, and I did 4 long cuts on my right thigh. I also cut a cross into my leg, for specific reasons. If you look at it from my view, it's a regular cross. But if I Stand up and someone looks at it that way, it's upside down which would be considered statanic. Basically what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a good and a bad side, depending on how you look at it :)

Yay!

I am happy to report, that today (well 4/29/14) has been the first successful fasting day in a while! I am so proud of myself. Lots of water & tea did it for me today. 

Tomorrow I will eat probably half of my sandwich for lunch (unless I get school lunch, then half of whatever that is) and if my mom forces dinner upon me tomorrow, I'll eat a small portion of that. 

Good news aside, bad news, I think my friends are Starting to notice I'm not eating as much. When we were walking home today, we stopped it Starbucks. I of course didn't have any money, like usual, (it's a good way to not be tempted buy food while your out) but so we go in, and we're online, and my friend (let's call her friend A, or FA.)  knows I don't have money and says "do you want anything?" I of course say no, and then she insists, "I know you want a cake pop!" I was like no I'm fine and she said, "come on what flavor do you like? Birthday cake?" I denied I wanted anything, and thankfully she didn't buy me anything against my will. But then while we were waiting for her and another one of my friends (friend B or FB lets call her) so friend b bought these chocolate covered gram crackers, and was like, "you want one?" And I told her I didn't like those ones, but I mean honestly who doesn't like chocolate gram crackers! It's like a s'mores minus the marshmallows! Then FB proceeded to poke my stomach and said, "you need to eat more, you're all bones." 

I wanted to die right there. 

Hi again

Two posts in one day, damn that's rare. 

But anyway, I wanted to show you the dress I was talking about in the last post! 

Here it is:

I just really love it. I also reall want a pair of black suede creepers, theyd would look cute with a pair of tights & the dress. 

I also forgot to say I got my ear pierce again! Well, I mean I got a second hole. I like it a lot & I'm happy with it. It really didn't hurt much, it was like a tiny pinch and that was it. It didn't hurt much after the fact either. I might do a post on piercings idk it seems cool. 

I really want my right eyebrow pierced, ahh I just love the way it looks. 

All I need to do is to find my safety pin earrings and I'll be good. They basically disappeared  at the end of January and now I'm here. I really miss wearing them I loved the way they looked. Ugh. I loose things way too much. 

*britney spears voice* It's been awhile...

[for anyone who got that britney reference in the title, you're awesome.] 

Hello again. 

Good news, I am over 40 days clean! It's so hard I want to cut so bad but I've been resisting. I think I'm like 43 days. 

But bad news... I still can't get the bingeing under control. It's terrible. I'm 10lbs over the weight I want to be... 

But, I read that doing an hour & 15 mins of just dance burns 500 calories!! I was too tired last night so I only did 30 mins. That was about 200 or a little over. But I think over the weekends I'm going to do that becaue i have more time to play the wii so yeah. 

I really want to loose those 10lbs becaue I have a dance-like thing coming up in June and I want to be able to fit into my dress. Me & my mom just ordered it, it's black with a white collar, sort of like what Wednesday Addams would normally wear. We bought it in 2 sizes, and the thought of fitting into the larger size scares the shit out of me. 

I have basically made a meal plan this week that I am determined to follow, if I want to look nice for this dance and not to mention the summer. 

I am gonna try to eat at MOST 400 cals (I'm striving for lower, but shit gets tough) on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. For Tuesday and Thursday, I am going to fast. On the weekends I'm going to try to do 100-250, and stay away from junk and shit food for that whole time. I'll probably weigh in like every Friday or so... But I'm worried about next weekend because I might go to her house and we'll probably end up eating a bunch of crap there.. Ugh. 

Maybe in may I should just start the Lunabelle, I know I said summer, but summer can wait. I have to start this now if I want somewhat of a result by June. 

I also bought Of Mice & Men's Restoring Force album on Saturday, and it's really good! I love OM&M, and this was the first time hearing Restoring Force in full. I love Austin Carlile, he's so adorable. I was watching one of the interviews he did (I can't remeber what it was for) but they were asking him & Alan this or that questions and they asked "Nick or disney?" And austin said Disney and Alan said nick and Austin was like "WHAAAAT WHY?!" And it was so cute. I'll link the interview below: 

http://youtu.be/ub6Pm9NW8Oo

last Friday-wendsday (today)

alright so hey it's been a while. But anywaaaay here are some updates!!

Soo *katy perry voice* last Friday night (lol) I got sick like with the stomach virus or flu or whatever was going around with my school. It. Was. Horrible. 

I got it late Friday, I threw up (these are all unintentional) at like 1 in the morning and I was just like shansinsnsnssn. I was a little bit happy though, becaue I are a few crappy things so I got rid of that. But then when I woke up, I threw up again and in that moment I vowed to myself I would never try to purge becaue my eyes went black and I felt so weak I almost fell and it just felt so gross i wouldn't want to do that every again. But I kept a low diet for the most part that weekend, mainly because I was freaked to eat for one. I mainly drank water, vitamin water (130 cals I think?) and Gatorade (like 80 I think) and then like Saturday I ate a hamburger bun becaue I was really hungry and I read that bread soaks up the acid. 

But then Sunday I had some bacon (approx 70ish) and some mac & cheese (idk how much that was I'm assuming 230?) and I felt fine.

Monday was... Weird. One of my friends was like "oh my god!! Your legs are like, non-exsistant!" and then my other friend was like, "yeah! She was trying to loose calories!!" (I was talking to her about how if you chew ice cubes it burns calories.) and I just felt so ughsisbdidj. I was like can you please stop talking about it my legs are pretty exsistant if you really look. I barely remember the rest.  idk Except for the fact that my mom bought golden Oreos jsjskdbdjcbb

Tuesday, we had testing so I allowed myself to eat a luna bar for breakfast, I figured it would help. Then for lunch I had a bagel & I planned on nothing else for that day but then I fucked up and bought a cake pop from Starbucks and had a bunch of other candy crap and then when I got home I binged on those Oreos and there were hardly any left and I just felt so gross. ugh. 

Today, Wendsday, no breakfast, i had like half a cup of miso soup for lunch so that's about 40 cals I think and then since my friends wanted to go to Starbucks I didn't want to be weird around them so I got a frappachino and it  was 300 I was just like wow that's a lot..?!  But yeah I guess 340 isn't bad for today . I also bought a reeces but I'm not gonna eat it (yet lol) I bought it to test my self control. 

I've also been a few weeks clean so that's a plus. 

im horrible

the fast was going pretty well today... Until I got home. 

at school I only had a piece of gum (5cals) and like a half of a strawberry from a friend. I didn't really count them because aside from the gum, the strawberry was pretty healthy. Plus I worked off any of those calories walking home. 

Home. I get home and my stomach kills with hunger. I decide to eat a luna bar, because I didn't want to deal with the feeling later and it would be enough to fill me up for a while without feeling too full. But then, once I start, I can't stop. I go for the ritz crackers, then it's taffy, then a pack of Oreos with peanut butter. Then, my mom made curly fries. With cheese. Cheese. Cheese fries are one of my favorite things and If I said no she'd know something was up. 

I aways fuck up! 

But as I took a shower, I did some excerciese that involved moving my hips and waste. I did it until my waste burned. I actually feel a bit better, not as full but I still feel like shit. I might make some peppermint tea, it's good for digestion and getting rid of the bloating feeling. 

I want to prove to myself that I can do this. Tomorrow I will not eat lunch (I don't eat breakfast I haven't since I was 10) and not dinner. Since I am going to see Divergent tomorrow with a few friends I might allow myself some popcorn or low cal candy. Idk if it's even worth it because it's so damn expensive. It's like $5 for a small popcorn. Jesus. 

I can never come up with titles for these oops

Today has gone okay. 

All I had was a small bag of apples that was 30 calories, then 1 poptart that was 105, so totaling to 135. I am feeling really good about this. Even though I'm quite hungry I'm just going to drink a lot of water. It actually helps a lot. 

Tomorrow I think I might actually eat lunch & a snack or dinner, then on Thursday I think I might just fast. Sounds like a plan. I'm actually really excited to weigh in on Friday or Saturday! 

*sigh*

I don't know why this always happens. I need to learn how to control myself. You know that feeling when you just eat too much or too much of one thing and you feel like you're about to puke but you just... Can't? Like after a binge you want to purge but you can't bring your self to do it. I have those feelings quite often, and I'm feeling it right now. I just feel so stupid and fat. No matter what anyone says ill still look at myself this way no matter how skinny I get.

I really want to try to lose 10 lbs so in order to do so, I'm gonna fast either 2 or 3 days this week and only eat fruits and healthy things the rest of the days. If that works out well, I'll continue it until I'm at a satisfying weight for myself. 

I also broke the approximate 2 weeks clean, I didn't do so bad though, by my ankles and shins. But it was with the shitty blades (as mentioned in the post titled "Oops") so there was barley any blood (I wish there was) but they'll probably scar at the least. 

________________

I'm really obsessed with Marina & The Diamonds right now. She's just really great. Her songs reflect real problems and really speak to me and probably many others.

Really excited for July, because 

1.) summer

2.) no school (although we get out June 26)

3.) I'm going to see Fall Out Boy & Paramore at the Monumentour!! I'm so super excited to bands I love I'm just like sishhsjshaiabs I can't wait! Ill blog about it when the time comes. 

Is anyone reading this? If you are please comment I feel like I am taking to myself. 

Neon Lights Tour!!

Demi. Was. Flawless. 

Tonight was amazing. I went to the neon lights tour with my cousin tonight, and it was the best time I've had in a while. I was glad to get a good whole video of Demi's speech about self harm, deppression, EDs (etc) and the performance of Warrior. I was actually crying she just makes everything ok. 

She's so strong and powerful I love it! 

Opening acts were Little Mix & Fifth Harmony. They were great, my cousin is obsessed with LM and I litterally LOVED seeing her so happy when they came out. It touched my heart, I loved seeing a genuine smile on her face. 

Then Demi came on & opened with heart Attack, her range is amazing oh my! Nick Jonas was also there too! Nick Jonas! It was like a Disney/camp rock reunion!! I wish I could single like her. I just respect her so much she's so strong and inspiration I don't understand how anyone could possibly hater her.

Here were our seats, we were really far back but it was so worth it. 

Oops

Ok so I lied.

I said I was gonna wait till my mom got home with the luna bars. Nope. I had some poptarts because I was just getting to that point where the hunger was actually annoying. So if one poptart is like 210 calories, and I had two that means I've had 420 calories in total. That's not that bad. So basically no dinner. Tomorrow i might a eat lunch or something low in calories at home. 

Its a weird feeling though. Like you're still hungry but you're also not at the same time. 

While looking for the Lunabelle requirements, I've stumbled upon this one called "Giovanni's 30" I like it a lot because there's less fasting days and there are days were you only eat apples and I can easily get apples. But the olive oil thing for day 16 sounds a little gross... 

Then here's the Lunabelle:(if you can't see day 14 is fast & day 15 is 500 I think) but I've always liked this diet I dunno. Summers coming soon enough and I'll try the luna for one month & 30 for another. Ill blog my results. 

Mini Fast!

I haven't eaten at all today! That's an accomplishment for me! Whenever I get home I usually cave and find something to eat. Although my mom is going shopping today but i told her to buy luna bars so that will probably be my dinner. A good way to curve hunger is to drink water. It makes you feel like your full but you'll only pee it out later. 

Also I've been 3days clean! I'm hoping to go this week then next week then so on & so on. I'm really pissed at myself though because I accidentally cut my thighs too far down and now I'm dreading wearing shorts in the summer because you'll be able to see a bunch of scars. 

Also here's a tip about cutting: don't cut by your hips/hip bones if you sleep on the side like I do. It's a bitch to sleep with and sleeping is supposed to be peaceful, not painful. Just a bit of advice. 

I'm very excited for Demi on Friday!! I cannot wait to see my cousin I lover her so much. She knows how to help me and understands me. I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life. 

I change my mind like girls change clothes

I've changed my mind again. I'm gonna stick with the wing it thing, because I realized how hard it would to be fast and watch calories during school. Ill try the Lunabelle during the summer, it'd be easier because my parents wouldn't be home to force food upon me.

I think what I really need to get under control though is bingeing. I just eat too much sometimes and it's starting to show. I used to have a thigh gap, hip & collar bones, but now they're slowing disappearing and I hate it. I want to be able to wear tank tops and shorts and such in the summer (although Im pretty sure that scars dont go with shorts :/ )

It's time to get new blades though. I have these two that used to be really good but now they got so fucking dull it's really irritating. They barely even break skin anymore and it's so annoying. 

You're probably thinking I'm crazy making myself want to bleed, but Im reading a book about this girl and she's freaked out by the sight of blood or the mention of death. It's a good book (it's called Hex Hall) but that one trait about her annoys the shit out of me. I just imagined her watching Supernatural and screaming every second. It made me laugh. 

 I broke the 4 days clean on the day that marked 4 (how ironic) but I think it's been like 3 days or something. I feel the urge to do it so much but after march 3rd I really want to try and stay clean forever. I just maybe want to get out all of it before Monday so I just have reminders not to cut. 

On Friday I'm going to a Demi Lovato concert with my cousin and I'm really excited. I barely get to see my cousin and she's helped me through so much. This would be my first time seeing her since July 2013 or something. 

I think anyone would agree that Demi is very strong and inspirational. Although I don't listen to get much now, I used to a lot when I was younger and getting to see her live (along with opening acts Little Mix, Fifth Harmony & Cher Lloyd who are also really cool) would be really cool. Ill be sure to blog about the experience. 

Ugh.

Therapy was... Interesting yesterday. On the bright side I haven't cut since Saturday, so 4 days clean!! But Ive gained so much weight and I feel horrible. I've been binging so much I just feel like shit. I'm too much of a coward to even try to purge no matter how much I want to do it. So next week I am for sure starting the Lunabelle. My stupid wing it thing can wait. I just want to look nice. Especially my thighs. I mean my waist is relatively ok but my thighs are disgusting.  I just feel so gross right now. 

You know sometimes I'm just like "you know what? Who gives a fuck about weight?! One more can't hurt!" But then there's ana right next to me saying, "you care you stupid bitch!"

It's just strange. 

 -mez

Diet Maybe?

I'm not really fat.. I just want to try something to try and maintain my weight.

 I've been thinking about starting the Lunabelle diet, but you have to count calories and I suck really bad at that... So I think I might just wing it. Just try to eat healthy during the week with one or two fasting days. I think I'll start that in a week or two? March 3rd sounds good.

 I think I'll call it the Wing It Diet, for lazy people like me. Basically I'm gonna cut out junk food and shit for a few weeks, fast twice a week and weigh it every Friday/saturday. I'll tell you how it goes. 

I feel like on the weekends I always end up pigging out and not eating properly. For example, this weekend I basically ate chips, cookies, brownies, ice cream, all that delicious shit. It's so good but so bad at the same time. 

I have really horrible self control, so this might be a bit hard. But the longest I've fasted for was 3 days (although there were some cracks where I broke down and ended up eating some little snacks) and the longest I've been clean for is about 3 or 4 months. I think when I go on this diet thing or whatever I'm gonna try to stay clean, and hopefully continue out for a while. 

I usually walk home from school, but it's not even a mile, but even if I do screw up and eat some crap thing I can work off the extra calories by walking home or walking to school. 

Anyway I bought All Time Low's Dirty Work CD yesterday and I'm loving it. I'm really obsessed with the album cover it's just so cool & cute. I found it at Walmart for $10. I love buying CDs there because I can always find the ones I want (most of the time) for a cheap price. For example, I found BOMT by britney for $5 & AFYCSO and V&V by panic! for $7. If I go next week I'm thinking about buying Paramore's self-titled album. Riot! is the only paramore album I have and I really want to own more of their albums. I also saw Brand New Eyes for like $7.  

A song that I've also been really obsessed with is Professional Griefers by deadmau5. You're probably thinking, "Hey, she didn't mention deadmau5 or electric/dance music in her music interests!" Well that's because I don't really listen to electric/dance/dubstep/club-ish music (with the exception of some Ghost Town & some Britney songs) but the main reason I really like this song is because of Gerard Way does vocals for it. I feel like anything Gerard does is great. He's Gerad. Haha get it ge-rad? wow I suck at jokes. Oh well. But anyway this track is really cool I suggest listening to it if you like deadmau5 or MCR idk I'm just obsessed. The beats get stuck in your head and Gerard's catchy voice gets stuck in there too making you want to get up and dance. 

"The Only Thing Worse Than Not Knowing, Is You Thinking That I Don't Know." -Fall Out Boy

{lyrics to 7 Minuets In Heaven by FOB is the title reference in case you didn't know} 

So I'm really confused.

 Because I'm a weird little bitch, I found my friends Instagram account where it's like one of those depression kind of accounts. She had put a link to an ask.fm which I assumed was hers & I eventually realized it was because there were our friends (people i knew) asking things like "why do you cut?" "Don't do it tonight" "how many days have you been clean for?" They were all from about a month ago, but it still makes me wonder if that's when she told them two, or if it has been going on for longer. 

It also really makes me wonder and a little bit hurt that she told them and not me. I mean one of the girls is actually one of my best friends. And I'm pretty close with the girl that I found out about, so I'm surprised a little. 

I think though when I was at her house on Wednesday night, I could sense she wanted to tell me. We even had this long deep conversation about depression and how fucked society is. 

Another think I questioned in my head is I saw on the IG account is like she had pictures that said "I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay" & I was thinking inside, "hey! Those are MCR lyrics!" And same thing with a post with the lyrics to Antivist. It was like "Middle fingers up, if you don't give a fuck." And then there's me again like "hey! Those are BMTH lyrics!" Basically what I was wondering was is that did she know they were from songs (that I love lol) or did she just have them because they had that rebellious/depressing message to it..? 

Anyway I'm thinking about asking her on Monday about it, and tell her she doesn't have to feel bad because I do it too-- If she haven't figured that out already. My wrists were exposed by acceident but they were baby cuts I guess, I mean I've done worse to myself. And, I had my semi-colon on my left wrist from the #semicolonproject218 , and plus a few weeks back I think she saw the cuts/scars on my thighs because I was stupid enough to try and wear shorts that were long enought but really weren't. She saw it by accident because I was like moving or something & the pant leg got lifted up and she said "I'm gonna pretend like I didn't see that." I gave her a confused look & she said in a rushed whisper, "it's ok me too," and I wasn't sure if she actually meant it or was just trying to make me feel better. 

I guess she actually meant it. 

i have the worst memory.

I know it's only been an hour since I last posted but I'm bored again. 

I forgot to mention that I saw Endless Love earlier today. It was really good, I thought. it was cute. It made me realize how much I wanted something like jade & david had. But then again the story was quite farfetched, something like that is out of the question for me, and a lot of people. 

I don't know. The idea of having a boyfriend is kind of scary and interesting at the same time. It's like, something you really want but don't want at the same time. 

Not much has happened in the last few days. I'm really glad I started this blog though, it's a nice place to vent. 

I'm at my friends house now, and it's a pretty good time. I guess. Except yesterday I broke my small clean streak and it's kind of hard to hide my wrist from her, although I've done worse, it's not as bad as some things I've done. 

But the weird part is, is that I think she's struggling with depression or something around that. She's been dropping subtle hints and I don't know if we should like both confess to eachother or what. 

I just don't know what to do. Ugh. 

Hello There!

Hi, I'm pretty sure no ones reading this, but hi! I'm kind of new to this kind of blog thing, i mean i have tumblr, but this is quite different, id say. If you'd already guessed, my blog title/url/username are references to Paramore's Misery Business, and im actually listening to it now, haha.

Let me introduce myself. If it's okay with you, id rather not say my real name for privacy reasons. This isnt exactly the kind of blog that i would like to flaunt around and shove in people faces. So now youre probably wondering, "Well, then what the hell kind of blog is this?"

For the last two years, ive had this strange depression, and as things began to get worse and worse, i began to cut more and more. Thats right. This is a cutter's blog. I wanted to try something different. I already tired writing a journal to let out my feelings, but thats how my mom found out the first time (and yes, theres other times.) In all the time i wrote in that journal, i wasnt hurting myself. But then, she had to go and look through it one day while i wasnt home. Fantastic. That made me fall apart even more. I begged her not to tell my dad, and she surprisingly agreed. There are two other times that i can get to later.

Now your probably thinking, why hasnt her mother put her in the loony bin yet? Well, technically, she has. I have therapy every tuesday (yep today :/ ). My mistake by saying i wanted help, because i hate it. But i mean, talking to someone whos trained to listen to you is okay, but i want to try this, a blog. Not pen and paper, not a person, not someone who knows me. Im tired of keeping it bottled up, and i guess this my version therapy for myself.

Alright enough with the depressing things. Want to know a little bit about me? Here you go:

Name: Just call me Mez. My cousin calls me that, i have no idea why and she wont tell me.
Favorite Singers/Bands: Ready for a novel? Alright so bands i love include - Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Pierce The Veil, My Chemical Romance, Bring Me The Horizon, Get Scared, Paramore, Flyleaf, All Time Low, Falling In Reverse, Digital Daggers, Ghost Town, Sleeping With Sirens, and im pretty sure thats it for bands, Singers would have to be - Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, Marina & The Diamonds, Lana Del Rey, Jason Kertson & The Immortals, Ke$ha, Gwen Stefani, Ashley Tisdale, Avril Lavigne, and Melanie Martinez.
Books: The Hunger Games Triology, Maximum Ride Novels, The House of Night novels, The Twilight Saga, The Fault in Our Stars, Gray, The Pretty Little Liars Novels... idk theres probably more but i cant think of them.
Movies:  dont even wanna do this one
Tv Shows: Supernatural, Pretty Little Liars, Ravenswood, Friends, Full House, Saved By The Bell, Wizards of Waverly Place
Food: Mac & Cheese, pizza rolls, idefk theres so much more tacos

Alright ill probably continue this later, but heres my intro.

~mez