Thursday, March 20, 2014

im horrible

the fast was going pretty well today... Until I got home. 

at school I only had a piece of gum (5cals) and like a half of a strawberry from a friend. I didn't really count them because aside from the gum, the strawberry was pretty healthy. Plus I worked off any of those calories walking home. 

Home. I get home and my stomach kills with hunger. I decide to eat a luna bar, because I didn't want to deal with the feeling later and it would be enough to fill me up for a while without feeling too full. But then, once I start, I can't stop. I go for the ritz crackers, then it's taffy, then a pack of Oreos with peanut butter. Then, my mom made curly fries. With cheese. Cheese. Cheese fries are one of my favorite things and If I said no she'd know something was up. 

I aways fuck up! 
But as I took a shower, I did some excerciese that involved moving my hips and waste. I did it until my waste burned. I actually feel a bit better, not as full but I still feel like shit. I might make some peppermint tea, it's good for digestion and getting rid of the bloating feeling. 

I want to prove to myself that I can do this. Tomorrow I will not eat lunch (I don't eat breakfast I haven't since I was 10) and not dinner. Since I am going to see Divergent tomorrow with a few friends I might allow myself some popcorn or low cal candy. Idk if it's even worth it because it's so damn expensive. It's like $5 for a small popcorn. Jesus. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I can never come up with titles for these oops

Today has gone okay. 

All I had was a small bag of apples that was 30 calories, then 1 poptart that was 105, so totaling to 135. I am feeling really good about this. Even though I'm quite hungry I'm just going to drink a lot of water. It actually helps a lot. 

Tomorrow I think I might actually eat lunch & a snack or dinner, then on Thursday I think I might just fast. Sounds like a plan. I'm actually really excited to weigh in on Friday or Saturday! 

Sunday, March 16, 2014


I don't know why this always happens. I need to learn how to control myself. You know that feeling when you just eat too much or too much of one thing and you feel like you're about to puke but you just... Can't? Like after a binge you want to purge but you can't bring your self to do it. I have those feelings quite often, and I'm feeling it right now. I just feel so stupid and fat. No matter what anyone says ill still look at myself this way no matter how skinny I get.

I really want to try to lose 10 lbs so in order to do so, I'm gonna fast either 2 or 3 days this week and only eat fruits and healthy things the rest of the days. If that works out well, I'll continue it until I'm at a satisfying weight for myself. 

I also broke the approximate 2 weeks clean, I didn't do so bad though, by my ankles and shins. But it was with the shitty blades (as mentioned in the post titled "Oops") so there was barley any blood (I wish there was) but they'll probably scar at the least. 


I'm really obsessed with Marina & The Diamonds right now. She's just really great. Her songs reflect real problems and really speak to me and probably many others.

Really excited for July, because 
1.) summer
2.) no school (although we get out June 26)
3.) I'm going to see Fall Out Boy & Paramore at the Monumentour!! I'm so super excited to bands I love I'm just like sishhsjshaiabs I can't wait! Ill blog about it when the time comes. 

Is anyone reading this? If you are please comment I feel like I am taking to myself. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

Neon Lights Tour!!

Demi. Was. Flawless. 

Tonight was amazing. I went to the neon lights tour with my cousin tonight, and it was the best time I've had in a while. I was glad to get a good whole video of Demi's speech about self harm, deppression, EDs (etc) and the performance of Warrior. I was actually crying she just makes everything ok. 

She's so strong and powerful I love it! 

Opening acts were Little Mix & Fifth Harmony. They were great, my cousin is obsessed with LM and I litterally LOVED seeing her so happy when they came out. It touched my heart, I loved seeing a genuine smile on her face. 

Then Demi came on & opened with heart Attack, her range is amazing oh my! Nick Jonas was also there too! Nick Jonas! It was like a Disney/camp rock reunion!! I wish I could single like her. I just respect her so much she's so strong and inspiration I don't understand how anyone could possibly hater her.

Here were our seats, we were really far back but it was so worth it. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Ok so I lied.
I said I was gonna wait till my mom got home with the luna bars. Nope. I had some poptarts because I was just getting to that point where the hunger was actually annoying. So if one poptart is like 210 calories, and I had two that means I've had 420 calories in total. That's not that bad. So basically no dinner. Tomorrow i might a eat lunch or something low in calories at home. 

Its a weird feeling though. Like you're still hungry but you're also not at the same time. 

While looking for the Lunabelle requirements, I've stumbled upon this one called "Giovanni's 30" I like it a lot because there's less fasting days and there are days were you only eat apples and I can easily get apples. But the olive oil thing for day 16 sounds a little gross... 
Then here's the Lunabelle:(if you can't see day 14 is fast & day 15 is 500 I think) but I've always liked this diet I dunno. Summers coming soon enough and I'll try the luna for one month & 30 for another. Ill blog my results. 

Mini Fast!

I haven't eaten at all today! That's an accomplishment for me! Whenever I get home I usually cave and find something to eat. Although my mom is going shopping today but i told her to buy luna bars so that will probably be my dinner. A good way to curve hunger is to drink water. It makes you feel like your full but you'll only pee it out later. 

Also I've been 3days clean! I'm hoping to go this week then next week then so on & so on. I'm really pissed at myself though because I accidentally cut my thighs too far down and now I'm dreading wearing shorts in the summer because you'll be able to see a bunch of scars. 

Also here's a tip about cutting: don't cut by your hips/hip bones if you sleep on the side like I do. It's a bitch to sleep with and sleeping is supposed to be peaceful, not painful. Just a bit of advice. 

I'm very excited for Demi on Friday!! I cannot wait to see my cousin I lover her so much. She knows how to help me and understands me. I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I change my mind like girls change clothes

I've changed my mind again. I'm gonna stick with the wing it thing, because I realized how hard it would to be fast and watch calories during school. Ill try the Lunabelle during the summer, it'd be easier because my parents wouldn't be home to force food upon me.

I think what I really need to get under control though is bingeing. I just eat too much sometimes and it's starting to show. I used to have a thigh gap, hip & collar bones, but now they're slowing disappearing and I hate it. I want to be able to wear tank tops and shorts and such in the summer (although Im pretty sure that scars dont go with shorts :/ )

It's time to get new blades though. I have these two that used to be really good but now they got so fucking dull it's really irritating. They barely even break skin anymore and it's so annoying. 

You're probably thinking I'm crazy making myself want to bleed, but Im reading a book about this girl and she's freaked out by the sight of blood or the mention of death. It's a good book (it's called Hex Hall) but that one trait about her annoys the shit out of me. I just imagined her watching Supernatural and screaming every second. It made me laugh. 

 I broke the 4 days clean on the day that marked 4 (how ironic) but I think it's been like 3 days or something. I feel the urge to do it so much but after march 3rd I really want to try and stay clean forever. I just maybe want to get out all of it before Monday so I just have reminders not to cut. 

On Friday I'm going to a Demi Lovato concert with my cousin and I'm really excited. I barely get to see my cousin and she's helped me through so much. This would be my first time seeing her since July 2013 or something. 

I think anyone would agree that Demi is very strong and inspirational. Although I don't listen to get much now, I used to a lot when I was younger and getting to see her live (along with opening acts Little Mix, Fifth Harmony & Cher Lloyd who are also really cool) would be really cool. Ill be sure to blog about the experience.