Sunday, February 23, 2014

"The Only Thing Worse Than Not Knowing, Is You Thinking That I Don't Know." -Fall Out Boy

{lyrics to 7 Minuets In Heaven by FOB is the title reference in case you didn't know} 

So I'm really confused.

 Because I'm a weird little bitch, I found my friends Instagram account where it's like one of those depression kind of accounts. She had put a link to an ask.fm which I assumed was hers & I eventually realized it was because there were our friends (people i knew) asking things like "why do you cut?" "Don't do it tonight" "how many days have you been clean for?" They were all from about a month ago, but it still makes me wonder if that's when she told them two, or if it has been going on for longer. 

It also really makes me wonder and a little bit hurt that she told them and not me. I mean one of the girls is actually one of my best friends. And I'm pretty close with the girl that I found out about, so I'm surprised a little. 

I think though when I was at her house on Wednesday night, I could sense she wanted to tell me. We even had this long deep conversation about depression and how fucked society is. 

Another think I questioned in my head is I saw on the IG account is like she had pictures that said "I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay" & I was thinking inside, "hey! Those are MCR lyrics!" And same thing with a post with the lyrics to Antivist. It was like "Middle fingers up, if you don't give a fuck." And then there's me again like "hey! Those are BMTH lyrics!" Basically what I was wondering was is that did she know they were from songs (that I love lol) or did she just have them because they had that rebellious/depressing message to it..? 

Anyway I'm thinking about asking her on Monday about it, and tell her she doesn't have to feel bad because I do it too-- If she haven't figured that out already. My wrists were exposed by acceident but they were baby cuts I guess, I mean I've done worse to myself. And, I had my semi-colon on my left wrist from the #semicolonproject218 , and plus a few weeks back I think she saw the cuts/scars on my thighs because I was stupid enough to try and wear shorts that were long enought but really weren't. She saw it by accident because I was like moving or something & the pant leg got lifted up and she said "I'm gonna pretend like I didn't see that." I gave her a confused look & she said in a rushed whisper, "it's ok me too," and I wasn't sure if she actually meant it or was just trying to make me feel better. 

I guess she actually meant it. 

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